Kung Fu Kitten

Funny how things turn out.
I've been trying to find myself ever since I could remember.
For equally long I've been trying to recreate who I am.
Goals and aspirations would change, as would the paths in life that I would travel down.
Obstacles have come and passed, and new ones arise with each new day.
I can still feel completely lost even though I know (for now at least) where I want to go.
Life is such a crazy journey, but maybe I say that because I have pushed myself to take those little detours and let myself end up where I never thought I would travel.
I've changed so much with each new moon.
I like to think I've retained the values that I hold close to my most basic essence.
I've endured disappointment, but who hasn't?
There are daily tests of my character, but what character am I today?
Self growth has been monitored, but with the steps forward I take there are just some aspects of my personality that refuse to come along for the ride.
I fall prey to my own vanity, fishing for compliments because I want to be recognized for my achievements.
I don't want to go into the dusk of my life without being seen, heard, or felt.
I fear not making my mark in the world.
I fear that I will not be remembered after I pass.
I'm so insecure, I can admit that and it's a fact of life that I'm trying to cope with.
I feel awkward around new people, big crowds make me nervous and anxious.
I can feel the eyes of strangers scrutinize my every move and my appearance, I hear faint whispers of the gossip that involves me.
It doesn't matter if it's real or imagined, the end result is the same.
I want to crawl out of my own skin to run and hide in the shadows of more alluring personalities.
I'm scared that I'm not interesting enough, pretty enough, or talented enough to make it in this materialistic, superficial, and plastic environment that is SoCal well maybe those adjectives can apply to the United States as a whole.
The conscious decision to become part of the beauty industry was made solely and utterly on my narcissistic need to feel good about myself.
I got into this industry so that I could make MYSELF happy by making others feel excited about the way they look.
It may not sound like a selfish endeavor to undertake.
But isn't it human nature to make decisions that will benefit them first and others who benefit are just a by product of self gratification?

I've said it before about myself, I think I'm really good at faking it.
I honestly believe that's only possible because of my past and the events that have encouraged me to grow and be molded into the person that I am today.
I can smile and let the world believe that I'm composed.
I keep an ear open to the conversations around me.
I carefully people watch to try and understand interpersonal relationships.
I can honestly say that I don't have very many "friends", I consider them more acquaintances.
I think that the more friends one accrues, the more drama and baggage comes with them.
For the sake of self preservation I refuse to be pulled into the drama, I have enough of my own thank you very much.
I do think that everyone person who comes into your life will serve a purpose.
There's always much to be learned from the people who bless your life or darken your doorways.
Even the people who leave a little footmark in the book of your life can offer a great deal in the chapter they made a cameo.

It's such a task for me to stay positive about life, and stay hopeful for where I can take myself on this weird trip.
There have been countless times where I just wanted to say, "Fuck it all" and let that end right then and there.
But then again I have to give myself some credit for being able to come out of the past and move forward through the tough times.
I think I'm pretty self aware and able to relate to a lot of people.
I like to think that I have charisma and that I'm charming without being fake.
Wouldn't that be a bitch if I was wrong?
Who knows anymore?
I'm still just trying to go along for the ride.
Let's just see where this next wave will take me.