Kung Fu Kitten

I'd give you my last breath
Just to make you smile
I've made you promises
The least you could do is lie

I couldn't bleed enough
I could not make you cry

All that's left of you is cold
Icy water chilled you to the bone
Flesh and blood have all run cold
Makes you look like you are made of stone

Sitting in this empty room
Praying the silence won't last
In this chair in front of you
Knowing my moment just passed

I couldn't bleed enough
I could not make you cry

All that's left of you is cold
Icy water chilled you to the bone
Flesh and blood have all run cold
Makes you look like you were made of stone

Written by Judkins/Sunglao

Losing myself in my thoughts once again
keep drifting to another time, another place
Wishing & hoping for better things to come
but alas, better things is not what the future holds for me.
All I see is torment & pain.
Life is getting harder & harder by the moment.
Seems like I have to work twice as hard to put up a front.
Getting tired of stress, tired of the life at home,
tired of my non existent so-called social life,
tired of putting up w/ peoples shit
tired of living the life I am leading
tired of living.....
What to do...
Keep struggling? Keep on fighting?
Why? What is the purpose of that?
What benefit do I have to others?
What is the point of keeping up the fight
if all you get is nothing but empty promises
and disappointment...
What I ask is the point? What I plead is the point?
What I beg, is the point to continue with this life?

Here I find myself once again
Staring blankly at the screen
Waiting for it to come to life
All the while my thoughts drift
To another time, another place
Images running through my mind
Like a movie stuck on fast forward
Look, there is when I had my heart broken,
Oh look, there is where I broke some guys ribs
Here is where I was betrayed
Here is where I put 3 people in the hospital
Here is where I was a runner
Here is where my heart is ripped out & stomped on
Here is where I walk out of a shoot out....Alive
Here is where I got jumped by 4 guys
Here is where my dad dies...
Here is where part of me dies too...
Here I am getting hired
Here I am working
Thank you for calling...

I love you with everything I have to give.
You're draining it all, leaving nothing left for me.
I tried so hard to make things work between us.
Useless, all the effort was just plain useless.
I stand here before you, frail, gasping for my last breath.
Please, just tell me once, that you loved me too.
I don't care if it would be a complete lie.
Just let me feel like this wasn't all in vain.
This is the end of me, but I never wanted us to end.
I prayed to the Lord that it would all be different.
I hoped that it would all be much more simple.
Alas, that's not what came about in reality.
My heart yearned for reciprocity, but to no avail.
I can't be angry with you, no matter how hard I try.
I love you too much, even for my own good.
The tears I've shed could rival the seas,
But the bitter taste would surely bring death.
I've followed my own suicidal path.
I love you with all that is left of me.
My life was always in a delicate balance in your hands.

Christmas is fast approaching.
Time of joy & happiness is here.
In the depths of my soul, there is none to be found.
Solo sufrimiento & dolor esta en mi alma.
Seeing the twinkle in people's eye is what I enjoy.
Wondering if the light in my eye is still there...
Or if the light was doused many moons ago...
Se esta haciendo mas y mas dificil fingir felicidad

Dec 10-1999
The night is cold and misty
vision is getting blurred
eyelids getting heavy
mind is racing among other problems
must find a solution & fast
when was the last time I slept soundly?
Good question...Don't know.
Sleep does not come easy
images keep flashing through my minds eye.
Images of death & pain.
must find a way to avoid these images from coming true.
Of all the images in my head, far off in the distance is a vision of happiness & love.
Yet strangely, no feelings of peace or tranquility...Waiting & waiting for death, pain & turmoil to envelope me.
Need to put a good face, strong demeanor, a falsification of how I feel.
Why you ask?...
If anybody were to figure me out, they would leave me, I am a hopeless lost cause there reasons would be.
Have so much fear inside of me.
fear of failure, fear of letting people down, fear of causing pain.
scared to make mistakes that would involve other people.
It's funny though, One thing I have no fear of is... Death. Instead of fearing it, I look for it...Sort of try to stare death right in the face & say " come & get me...If you can"...
Soon Death will reply to me..." Gotcha..." I know that too.
Soon I fear death will catch me. Something is definitely not right with me. Complete loss of appetite is NOT normal. Pain in knees, back & shoulders getting more & more unbearable by the day.
Am I really suffering, or is all this pain I am going through all in my head? Who knows??...